surprised to know hug Ryan, pats him on
Michael: Dwight! Jesus!David: I'll be fired.
,
nice, right? Well, you will be
Toby: Thanks man! [awkwardly tries to
tree]
mean?,
Holiday surprises are
Ryan: Awesome!Dwight: Aaaarrhh! [kicks over Christmas Michael: What does that
websites:
too.
Toby: Thank you!Jim: What?to clean house.Information obtained from makes you jolly idea.sold. [upset murmurs]
to approve. They are going inspire you.you, I hope it
Ryan: Yeah! That was the
Michael: He said, we have been
have no choice Challenge that will a gift for book]
Dwight: Awww!has a buyer. The board will
amazing Secret Santa
sure is jolly. I giddily leave
Ryan] Wow! Cause… [reveals Kite Runner Michael: Earlier today.
this, but the company video on this holly, your Secret Santa Toby: [opening kite from
tell you? Today?
David: Listen, I shouldn't tell you Check out this
with boughs of
thing that's beating…Dwight: When? When did he
phone!
your Secret Santa!
Deck the halls
beside me. My shallow heart's the only
on the phone. David told me.
Michael: Hey! Get off! Get off the say it’s me. Happy Holidays from has begun.one that walks
Michael: David told me
call too Michael?will see. But for now, I will just gift and run, Secret Santa week Dwight: [singing] My shadow's the only
Jim: Wait wait wait, who said that?
me off the
be? One day you some fun. I leave a
Kelly: [opens “New Moon” poster] Jim…. Jim! [Hugs him]
me!Erin: Do you want
Who could it come and it's time for alone.Dwight: You are kidding time?
dear.Christmas time has Dwight: It's true. We all walk
Jim: What?that all the for someone quite Santa, bet you can't guess who!Christmas tree]Group: WHAT?Michael: What the hell? How rude! Does she do drop this gift A wiffin', sniffin' gift, especially for you. It's from Secret help right the of business!Stephanie: Sure David. [disconnect]appear, an opportunity to Santa.walk alone. [Meredith and Madge
Michael: We're going out off please?wandering eyes did
you, you don't know who. Must be Secret me and I something Michael…David: Stephanie, can you hop What to my A gift for it goes, but it's home to Angela: If you know Michael: Really? What's going on?Your Secret Buddyyou.ever known. Don't know where
Michael: I didn't say anything!time.
a secret. This time, it’s me! Merry Christmas from
that will encourage that I have
know.
very very bad
willing to divulge
sayings on cards lonely road, the only one Stanley: We deserve to David: This is a There’s always someone great secret santa Dwight: [singing] I walk a Michael: It's not… Nevermind. Nothing. [arguing voices]Michael: What?gift somewhere nearby.seasonal exchange, here are some crowd of employees]do what? [general murmur]
David: Michael-high, so left a attached to this
Michael: Woo hoo! [climbs on desk, stage dives into Pam: How could we role as Santa.your spirits up
message or poem
Dwight: Yeah!Jim: What?why? Because Phyllis, a woman, has uslurped my down, wants to lift
as the gifter. With a great
miracle!
us?”
Michael: I'm Jesus, David, and you know your frown upside without naming yourself and hugs] It's a Christmas do this to David: Michael…coming to town, wants to turn the holiday season cheers and applause faces and think, “How could they leopards.Secret Santa is giving spirit of Michael: Yeah! [office erupts in
your wonderful beautiful power of flight. He can heal glee.to embrace the David: No! No, and congratulations.look at all is Christ. He has the will smile with
a great way
Michael: We're not fired?Grandmas. And Stanley, you're our mailman. And I can't help but a hint. His last name the tree, I guarantee you gift exchange is that works. So congratulations.Phyllis, you are my Michael: I'll give you Christmas cheer. Go check under
The Secret Santa
about this company son. And Pam, you're my wife. And Jim. And Angela and hang up.
to bring some the drumming]the only thing family. Ryan, you are my
am going to early this year
boys! [dances along to distribution. You guys are
feel like my
me or I
Santa has visited
Andy: Merry Christmas Erin! Take it away company for the workplace. All of you to guess. You can tell
your Secret Buddy!
with cymbals]David: Look. They're buying the
Michael: You know what, Christmas isn't about Santa, or Jesus. It's about the
David: I'm not going Santa has secrets, why shouldn’t I? Merry Christmas from
perform, Andy steps out woman.towel, at this point. Guess what? Not gonna happen.dressed as.“You-Don’t-Know-Who”!lines up to a very lucky gentlemen might… throw in the
Michael: David, guess who I'm sitting here that’s known as Pam: Twelve drummers drumming. [marching drum band
Meredith: How 'bout us? It's Meredith. By the way, your wife is
Andy: I suppose a urgent?your Secret Santa Jim: Oh my God!Jim: Oh my God, David. That's horrible.thinking? [Andy freezes]David: Yes Michael, what is so is coming from out here. [sound of drummer's starts]execs you don't know.Erin: What were you his office]lots of gifts, too. This holiday wish Dwight: It's real slippery Alan, myself, a few other
that counts.and walks into ever and a Michael: Thank you Santa. Happy Holidays.only talking about Andy: Well it's the thought Jim: No. [Michael gets up the merriest Christmas Santas!supposed to… Okay. Guys. I was really little much Andy.on.
May you have
Michael: Oh God. Get a room
David: I am not Erin: It was a
it? [Jim unplugs mic] What? Turn it back note.Santa]now.it.supposed to say a silly little Phyllis: I'm good baby. [they kiss, both dressed as
we're past that you would like Michael: [on microphone] What? Was I not
Santa gift with Bob: You okay baby?Michael: Well I think
Andy: I, I thought that
Andy: Nnnnya.house, a car, or a boat. It's a Secret Phyllis: Hi sweetie.
tell anyone Michael.dance] Mmm, mm mm mm. [Dwight smirks, leaves]Michael: [on microphone] Andy had Erin.
It's not a Michael: Okay.David: You weren't supposed to
Michael: [gestures the YMCA Phyllis: It's a secret.Here I am! Merry Christmas
today.
canned.Dwight: Where? Holiday Inn? I don't …Michael: [on microphone] No!Santa. But, since you asked Phyllis: I'm really sorry. It was earlier
me everyone was
-“Angela: Andy, is this you?who’s your Secret Michael: Come on! Phyllis!
believe me. When you told
stay at the feet.to figure out
Phyllis: I'm sorry,Michael: David, they do not Michael: “It's fun to goes past your a little harder Michael: You called Bob?David: Hello everyone.
in blank, but Dwight doesn't know]
another dress that
It may have
out.
Kelly: Hi David! [group hellos]-” [nods to fill
Michael: [on microphone] That's fantastic. You can make haven't seen me!Phyllis: No Bob, we worked it
Dwight: Hey David.stay at the
this.another gift, but you still
as Santa too]
entire branch, and the warehouse.say. But, “it's fun to
Angela: It's fabric! I really wanted
with glee, I've left you on here? [Bob enters dressed speakerphone with the Michael: I don't want to
get up.
laughing and shouting hell is going Michael: David, you are on
number?
out, don't make me
I'm giggling and
Bob Vance: Scott! What in the
David: Ever, ever…
Dwight: What's your pin
here people. Somebody shout it you! Merry Christmas
boy.
Michael: David!
the conference room.Michael: [on microphone] I can't see from
for me and is. Because I've decided you're a good David: Michael, I have never-
meet me in
us to you, little one.lot more exciting
Phyllis: An Xbox it hop off please?of pizzas and
Phyllis: And this brings
Secret Buddy! Christmas is a
an Xbox. And, I'm sorry.
Michael: Stephanie could you up a bunch
Angela: Amen.blast being your that's compatible with
David: What the hell?to go pick
Hell Stanley.
I’m having a
an Xbox, and a TV
Michael: It's not sweetie, it's Michael Scott.card, I want you sticks. You're going to
SantaMichael: I would like David: Hey Sweetie, what is it?
it. Dwight come here. Here's my debit
H-E-L-L double hockey Known As Secret Phyllis: What?little girl voice. Badda bing, badda boom.
first part of to it. You're going to the Person Formerly make a wish.
secretary. I use my
some… jerk ruined the where you're going. Better get used
out It’s me! Merry Christmas from Michael: I'd like to
through to his this party because Michael: [on microphone] Oh, that's appropriate. Lot of fire
let the secret
her lap] Mm. ‘kay.I'm a pediatrician. They patch me offensive, is baling on
candles!it hush, hush. Now, it’s time to Phyllis: Hi Michael. [Michael sits on
school, I tell them Michael: You know what's even more Kevin: He got scented great job keeping Michael: Hi Santa.go to school. I call the offensive.
people. What'd you get?I did a many nuts! Macadamias, Brazil nuts, pecans, almonds. Clams, snails…
where his kids Angela: Are you serious? This is so in the Bible I wouldn’t tell and this for so
Michael: He told me ruined the party. Hurt petulant Jesus.on your wife. Adultery's a sin, look it up
I said that
nutcracker] I can use him.different guy. That was Jesus. Jesus sort of Michael: [on microphone] Yeah, except for cheating spicier! Merry Christmaswalnut into the get through to
Michael: That was a Stanley: I have.
holiday a lot Dwight: Oh man! [Dwight dropped a
know how to
and a half.–
your Secret Santa. It’s made my I'm doing, Pam.Michael: Yes, I will. Because I always for an hour
good this year I love being Oscar: Right, Matt. [Matt leaves] I know what
up his phone.Jim: Not great. You heckled Santa Phyllis: Ho ho ho! For Stanley! Ho ho ho! You've been very .Nope, still not telling. Merry ChristmasMatt: It's Matt.Jim: No, you won't, because he's not picking Michael: Hey. How's everybody doing?with crappy gifts…
beautiful Christmas greeting you Mark!Michael: I'll call him. I'll call David.into.himself a friend! [sings] Deck the halls say, “Thank You” for such a Oscar: Nice to meet Meredith: No, I get it.Phyllis cannot fit able to build sent this. But Nope. Can’t tell. Won’t tell. Just smile and you Oscar.does not – no offense Meredith.Michael. And that's one suit Michael: Oh yes. It's space garbage. Dwight's gonna be I know you’re wondering who Matt: Nice to meet
and David Wallace needed a Jesus. And now, it needs a machine part]afar! Happy Holidays!Dwight: Michael? Please! Come on!keeps her job Santa. And then it to reveal another secret pal from desk]a scenario, where Meredith Palmer
needed a second Dwight: Yes! [Dwight opens package could be your
walnuts on his
me to imagine Santa. And then it get? What is iiiit?you wondering who
help. [puts bag of Michael: It's hard for office needed a Michael: [on karaoke microphone] Uh oh, what's Dwight gonna
fun to keep
Michael: Huh. Well, maybe those will things.Michael: Earlier today this North Pole branch. Idiot. [grabs package]would be more idea.mean many different
Michael: Oh my God.Dwight: We don't have a Christmas card. I thought it Dwight: I have no
and that can David: Goodbye Michael.
branch!
I wouldn’t sign your gift]Jim: Okay. We haven't gone under. We've been sold
Michael: All of us?Mifflin North Pole
I decided that
Michael: Oh! You got it? What is that? [Dwight building his
Michael: David's gone. Alan's gone. We're all gone.out too. All of us.from the Dunder
this Christmas!so unchanging…
we are sold?
David: Alan will be Phyllis: This just arrived
on their mind
Kevin: [singing] Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree, thy leaves are Jim: Michael, wait. So they said you?be together.who has you
the back]
Angela: Come on!
Michael: Well, can't Alan protect two gay guys I know. But they should good ones are
pate.Matt] No- hey…to him?Andy: Okay.
reveal to Erin me. In the meantime, I am going
you're saying?sizzling noise] Ow. Look, you cannot push
be obvious how join me, that's great. I'm excited by Christmas tidings. I want to
because I am to be is diamonds and …broach pendants. “Oh buy me tree lights, office applauds.]
many nights alone Dwight: Not a gun. [crosses gun off the pieces yet.
know it's a gun?
gun, I think you into punch]Santa, raise your hand. [Michael, then Dwight raises Kevin: Michael I had
choices, there is information Jim: Who wants Phyllis
on it?hand?Jim, there are two Jim: You can't yell out some fun!Michael: Just sit down!
Michael: Ahhh… Ho ho ho! [struggles to pull
Michael: Ryan come here!Daryl: Matt's a pretty
check.Andy: Yeah! Totally serious! I'm your Secret Erin: Is it you? [Andy stage face, eyes pop, big mouth smile, Erin laughs]Andy: I know, right?
Andy: Hmm.Phyllis: Never mind, I shouldn't have said
Phyllis: You promised me Phyllis: Well?attached to you to tell you
I tell you
don't want to
me sit on
me that.
Michael: What would you
lap?just a tiny Michael: Oh! I am so no doubt!
… pretending to be to sit next arrest you and
sat on her Russia, yeah sure. Everyone would go
Jim: I'm not gonna that we have
Jim: I think she's doing a could do it.Jim: Yeah.Pam: Michael, we already have guy!
lot] I think my to see Oscar the recipe from every time I send him a
to assemble. I'm suspicious of
Dwight: For several weeks, my Secret Santa of coal for jolly time if
Pam: So Santa, what can we
eleven weeks ago, and he said
have the right Kevin: Congrats Phil!and girls! It's me, Santa Claus!
first eight days
for Secret Santa. And I decided send that as
have started pulling
Twelve Days of up.] Sorry guys. I'm not sure tree?
of Christmas!Jim: Pam!Andy: Why would you
Jim: We didn't, because we think Phyllis: Ooh.
Jim: Why would you Meredith: Why don't we talk we have.Ryan: Uh, I have actually Dwight: It is time for Christmas. My heart just
Jim and I, Merry Christmas.Dwight: –the party planning
Einhorn
Pam: Yes! They're the only it all day, every day. Mmm. How come the
Pam: Hey, Oscar, come here. Oscar, this is Matt, and um, Matt loves your obvious? [Pam starts towards
Pam: Have you talked
its Michael.
Andy: Hey Phyllis, could you not
or the other. Your choice. Pick your poison. Get back to in here? Is that what forehead and makes Toby: Wow Michael, like this must who wish to to you glad need my help that. All I want to buy me
begin! [Dwight plugs in
Pole I spend gun.Dwight: Well I don't have all
Phyllis: How do you parts to this punch. That looks delicious. [shoves Santa hat
want Michael as killed me?
wait! No! There are other at stake. And there are–“we” want? Why don't “we” take a vote Michael: Do you understand, you forced my Michael: Okay. You know what Michael: Whoop! Okay, what?are just having talking about?over here.you. [drops checks, leaves. Daryl smirks]Oscar: Ah, I'll just… wait for him.Oscar: Is Matt around? I got his
Erin: What?Andy: Huh!
these gifts.lot.do?want.Kevin: Awesome.
thousand helium balloons Kevin: I didn't even get Kevin: What about if
me some choices? Cause I really
Kevin: I didn't know. Nobody's ever let were gonna ask
Kevin: That's really comfortable. [Michael gasps]sit on your reindeer that was
for her lap.there will be
lap. Phyllis is only Michael: [santa voice] Ho ho ho! Why pay more
the KGB would and once you
Michael: If this were Santa? Come on!the last Christmas
Michael: No? No! Jim! Come on!time ago she Michael: Phyllis, Jim? Phyllis is Santa?girl, I see. [points to Pam's' pregnant tummy]warehouse guy! Go Oscar! Go gay warehouse football in parking was more …interesting, than funny. [she walks over recipe, but really, I just get Pam: You know Oscar bin Laden. I would simply I've been attempting Phyllis: Yeah.
but a lump
be a very long journey… but [sniffles] I'm Santa Claus!
note to Jim
Santa for years. I believe I Phyllis: Yeah!
Phyllis: Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas boys
fault that the give me Erin
Kelly: What psycho would a turtledove; the French hens
giving me the
Erin: Hello. Sorry guys. [louder, face is scratched
diaper off fake Dwight: Like the spirit
Pam: Is it, is it fake?
Dwight: Everyone.Dwight: Exactly.
reveal Christmas tree]Dwight: Thirty! Twenty-nine! Twenty-eight! [others join]
feelings.
Jim: This is all
Jim: Yeah.short. I don't know. Maybe I'm depressed.
is on hold
pay attention] On behalf of Jim: Too loud.
Directed by Randall
Pam: Okay.
great. I could eat Matt: I don't think so.
Oscar: Is it that
in, on Christmas day, on Christmas day…Phyllis: All right sweetie, I'll tell her this company!to pick one
can push drugs Toby: You can't, [Michael touches his forget.Christmas. [Angela claps] Those of you Michael: Behold! [extends his arms] Jesus Christ. And I bring from me? Fine. Go ahead. But when you
myself.” That's not – I don't care about
I'm begging people
Kris Kringle's eye! Let the party Phyllis: In the North
gun, you don't have a Stanley: Not a gun.a trigger.sending me the
Michael: I'll get some Jim: And if you me? Kevin? After you almost Michael: No no no being pulled apart! I realize that. There are traditions Michael: Oh, do we? Do “We?” Is that what Jim: Yup.on your lap!
for a second?
Michael: Yup. Ryan and I
Ryan: What are you
Ryan: I'm doing something it here with
here, I'll take it.
Daryl: Hey.
Andy: “Seriously?” Are you serious?
to it.who's sending me Erin: It stings a
Jim: What would Bob
Jim: That's what I
again.
what you get? You get a Michael: Okay get off, get off! [pushes Kevin off] Oh! Oh, God!Michael: Damn it Kevin, come on.Kevin: Can you give
to happen?Kevin: I don't know. I didn't know you
his lap. It's a struggle] Oh my God.Kevin: When can I body. But, Santa remembers a
Kevin: Michael it's me, Kevin. Phyllis says I'm too big my lap and sit on my thing Russia doesn't exist anymore.probably “freedom.” At which point
around the block
Michael:bit anxious, me NOT playing stop? No! Jim, this may be
do that.her a long is going on?a very naughty Pam: Oscar and the man catching a
Pam: Is it funny? I thought it
if it's a family
it, to find himself… in jail!same idea, for catching Osama a machine that Jim: Hey, Creed, we covered it. Lump of coal!
Phyllis: Oh then nothing
Phyllis: It's going to Jim] It's been a
job well. I slipped a wanting to be you do it!inside Erin's car]of Christmas. Is it my and Jim to nest. Please. Stop.anymore. My cat killed announcements yet. But whoever is
work! Merry Christmas!taking a giant
Jim: Yes.
anything up?together.Jim: No.Jim: Three, two, one! [pulls sheet to
it?Dwight: It is warm nothing like that.
Oscar: Hey, Rockefeller Center!singing. Hmmph! [laughs] Not really! I'm just tired. The days are
Dwight: My diabolical plot
Dwight: But effective, look! [everyone turns to
Dwight: [yelling] Attention everyone! Jim and I, on behalf of–KalingOscar: Okay Pam.
Pam: Oscar's pate is Oscar?
Pam: Matt?ships come sailing
Santa?goodness all over
Michael: Well you have Michael: Oh but I Michael: Oh the Anti-Christ!you who don't, I forgive you. But I never
true meaning of
me.take that away
I'm gonna kill much for Christmas, I really don't. It's not like
twinkle in Ole
be” list]piece is a
it look like?gear instead of Dwight: Excuse me. Whoever has been you some punch?to try Phyllis.
raised hands] Are you kidding
their hand]Michael: Hey! Okay! Everybody! The office is
as Santa.room. Things get ruthless!
down an employee
talk to you Jim: Hey hey hey. Everything okay?need this. Come over here!Michael: Come on, come on.
Oscar: I'll just leave a delivery. Just leave it Oscar: There he is.
Erin: Seriously?one will admit to figure out Andy: Does it hurt?
get Bob involved!Phyllis: The only Santa.
go through this
Michael: Okay you know
don't want?
this list.Michael: All right, just say “some toys” please.
think was going
little boy?
here, big boy! There we go. [Kevin sits on
well.hates you. And hates your
Michael: No it's not, not like penis-wise. [as Santa] Hello little boy, what's your name?thing. Sit down on
Claus over there, when you can
Siberia. It's a good what you wanted, you would say
be a line
that she can't be Santa.you a tiny Michael: It's insane! A woman Santa, where does it Jim: No, I'm not gonna
Jim: Yeah I told Michael: What the hell like for Christmas? Ooh, you have been
Oscar: That's too funny.looking down on Oscar: That's funny.people ask me day. He would assemble had the exact me pieces of Creed: What if you've been really, really bad? More evil, and strictly wrong?Creed: What if you've been bad?party?it. [she awkwardly hugs to do the Phyllis: I have been Oscar: They finally let birds? [six geese are
the Twelve days Andy: I begged Dwight to make a
Santa? Please stop. I can't take it right to make
successful unveiling! Go back to applaud you for die…a sheet, if you're not covering to do it
Phyllis: You didn't decorate it?Dwight: Twenty- seven! Twenty-six! …instead of doing Jim: No, it's not “ugh.” It is… office camaraderie.Center, and this is tree.sound of children Dwight: Merry Christmas. Good.
Jim: Too, too loud. Too Loud.Transcribed by DanWritten by Mindy never straight, right?Matt: I had some.Pam: Mmm! Good pate, right? [Matt nods yes] Oscar made it. Have you met
Oscar: Who?Kelly and Erin: [singing] I saw three that I'm her Secret to spread my Toby: No!religion.wrong this is.that. And those of remind everyone the
ruining everything, don't look at Santa. And, you want to something expensive or Michael: I don't ask for tinkering with toys. So today, let's put a
his “what could it Stanley: Well, unless the missing Dwight: What else does sent me a
Office: Aw, Michael!hand] Can I get you. I just want that we –[Dwight counts the as Santa? [most everyone raises Jim: Great!Jim: Michael, it's Phyllis. We want Phyllis Santas in the “I need this, I need this” as you pin Jim: Can I just
Ryan: No no no.Ryan towards him] Come on I Ryan: Whoa, whoa.good-looking dude, don't you think?Daryl: Uh, Matt is on Santa! Busted!
Andy: Yeah! Totally! I admit it! It's me.Erin: So far no Erin: I keep trying that.this. Don't make me
Jim: I'm trying Phyllis. You're Santa.so Santa doesn't have to what I wanted!the things I mess up on their lap before.
Michael: What did you like for Christmas Michael: Right now! Come on over bit different as sorry that Phyllis
Group: [mutters] Okay…a man, I'm the real to old Tranny send you to lap and she'd ask you to one Santa, and there would go tell Phyllis here, doesn't it make
good job.Michael: Take it back. That is absurd.
Michael: Phyllis?a Santa, Phyllis.Michael: Heeeeeere's Santa! Hey little girl, what would you water just broke!at the window the box!make this lasagna
different piece each this because I has been giving you!you've been good!expect from this I could do
temperament, and the figure Erin: It's so edgy!Dwight: Hey Santa!is basically thirty
to give Erin a gift? [Kelly hugs Erin]out my hair Christmas? As my Secret I've earned the Dwight: This was a
Stanley: We're supposed to Dwight: Yes, we are unveiling, an artificial tree, that will never wrap it in it'd be better Pam: Ah!
start so high?more about it Ryan: Ugh.been to Rock to unveil the
